Why do I feel so depressed?
Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted here. I’ve been busy with a lot of stuff and I do miss writing here. I have a few posts on interesting topics that I’ve started. But somehow, it’s always so hard to finish them.
However, right at this moment, on random weekday night, insya’Allah I think I am going to start and finish this post.
What I’m going to share with you, is an important topic which I think a lot of other women are facing. It’s something that I believe a lot of us has gone through, or perhaps is going through right now. So I hope you can relate and benefit from this writing.
Is this what depression feels like?
I spent almost half of the day on my bed. I didn’t feel like getting up, I didn’t feel like doing a single thing, and I was questioning some of the life decisions I have made thus far. I scrolled on my phone, and I cried from time to time.
My kids? Usually, they were playing around outside. But today, I was snappy and it affected their moods too. They stuck around me. And I hated being around anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to kick them out of the room and shut the door. It almost felt like I was an angsty teenager with fluctuating hormones.
At the same time, I felt this extreme guilt for allowing myself to be that way around my kids. I pitied them and doubted myself. This added to my negative feelings. I wanted to talk to someone but felt like no one would understand.
In between, by the grace and mercy of Allah, I managed to feed my kids, prayed my obligatory solah and cleaned the house a little.
So maybe this isn’t depression alhamdulillah. But I could still feel myself almost falling deep in a dark hole.
Eventually, I slept my feelings away as my kids snuggled under the blankets with me and had their afternoon nap.
Climbing out of the darkness.
When I woke up, I was feeling a little better because it was less chaotic while the kids were still asleep. I sat down for a while, embracing the silence. My mind was a little more clearer and the day wasn’t over.
However, I still felt miserable. I know I had to do something about it. I remembered that the Shaytan loves to see the believers miserable. I can’t let the Shaytan win.
To someone who is deep inside a dark hole, it may seem like a dead end. It may feel like nothing we do will make anything better. But as we take the time to reflect, the steps to climb out of the darkness becomes clear.
1- Repenting and supplicating
The first step is to repent to Allah by making istighfar. Asking Allah for forgiveness is a potent remedy. Because most times, there is no other reason for us falling into misery and depression except that we have done something that displeases Allah knowingly or unknowingly.
2- Remembrance of Allah in the Morning and Evening
As it was after solatul Asar, it was time for the evening adhkar. There are many supplications in these adhkar that are related to preserving our well-being in this life and the hereafter. The scholars have also mentioned that these are a means of protection for us, like a fortress for the Muslims. And that is why we find these adhkar in the book “The Fortresss of the Muslim”
One of the reasons that I fell in such states was because I was negligent in being consistent with doing my morning and evening remembrance
3- Reciting the Quran
Finally the last thing I did was to read a little from the Qur’an. The Qur’an is a cure and the Prophet (salallahu alaihiwasalam) has taught us to use the recitation of the Quran to treat the sick.
These were the things that I did. It didn’t take long to do all those. It took me around half an hour or so, and immediately, I felt lighter.
4- Going offline
The last thing I did was to stay away from my phone. I know I will feel horrible when I touch my phone. Yet, I kept on holding on to it, scrolling mindlessly and wasting my time away. It felt okay for a while because it distracted me from my negative feelings. But the moment I get off the screen, I feel even more horrible. It feels like it is literally sucking out my soul. Maybe it’s just the EMFs or the radiation, or something more nefarious than that. Whatever it is, I know I have to stay away from my phone.
The solutions are here
SubhanAllah, this is the gift of Islam that Allah has given us with. We have guidance from the Qur’an and the Prophet’s (sallahu alaihi wasalam) teachings. It is truly a light for anyone who is facing darkness, if only they knew. Some may take a few short minutes to cure their sickness, while other may take months or years. But the remedies are the same; to turn to Allah.
To the mother who are doubting yourself
During the darkest moments, there will be shaytan whispering to you doubts and evil thoughts, telling you that you are incompetent mother. But do remember that Allah has chosen you to be mother of your children, and Allah will eventually put us through it as long as we never stop asking Allah for His help.
Look at how far you have come, and what you have accomplish. Know that you are at the right place, and that you are not alone.
لَا تَحْزَنْ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ مَعَنَا
“Do not grieve; indeed Allāh is with us.”
(Surah At-Taubah, verse 40)
May Allah grant us happiness in this life and the hereafter.